How to stop being a perpetual victim

Why do people choose to have victim mentalities?

“Your complaints, your drama, your victim mentality, your whining, your blaming, and all of your excuses have NEVER gotten you even a single step closer to your goals or dreams. Let go of your nonsense. Let go of the delusion that you DESERVE better and go EARN it! Today is a new day!”
Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

Why do some people live a life of drama and victimhood? You know the type. The ones who live in perpetual theatrics. The individuals who just can’t seem to catch a break. Where life is so full of ups and downs and yelling and screaming and blaming and fights and anger and sadness. Where there never seems to be peace and quiet and reflection.

Whew… I’m just exhausted writing those few lines. How in world do people live this life? I think a better question is…why do they choose to live their drama filled life?

To answer this question, I did some investigating and honestly did not come up with an answer that made any sense to me. So I decided instead to not try to explain why certain people decide to live their life being a victim and chose to supply some of the best tips I found on how not to be a perpetual victim and possibly even break their cycle of victimhood.

Here goes:

  1. Decide that you are the boss of you

  2. Take complete responsibility for everything in your life

  3. Turn your focus outward and help some

  4. Show gratitude for your life

  5. Forgive those that you feel have wronged you

  6. Create a new story for yourself

  7. Surround yourself with positive people

  8. Get rid of toxic people

  9. Learn that it’s okay to fail (believe me, I am the Queen of Failures)

  10. Learn that the world does not owe you anything at all – nothing – nada

I personally think that these are pretty valuable and helpful tips for everyone to follow in their daily lives and to even pass on to our children, so they don’t turn out to be a perpetual victim.

Peace, Love and Responsibility!!










Diary of a Cancer Widow – Part 6

Part 6

Please join Ellen in Part 6 of Dairy of a Cancer Widow

My Sweet Sherry ( a letter to myself)

What would you say to your younger self?

My Sweet Sherry,

I thought about this letter for days, trying to piece together the things I would want to know in the future. I feel that it’s important to explain a few things and assure you that you have come so far and remind you that your courage and faith will restore you, despite your circumstances.

Sherry, it took you years to the get the help you needed, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. You spent most of your life slipping through the cracks and reaching out to people who would turn a blind eye to you. This has forced you to live a life of complete Bipolar Destruction. Sealed with an everyday reminder – scars on your wrists. These are from the three failed suicide attempts.

Your hands and your inability to make a proper choice has destroyed numerous parts of your life multiple times. The Bipolar highs are so very high and the Bipolar lows took you to places that you wouldn’t even wish on your worst enemy.

I can’t count how many times you wished the world didn’t have to deal with you. Of how you fantasized about a better and more peaceful place. After all, how could anyone love someone like you? Destruction was the only thing that had mastered. You had no hopes and no dreams. You were alone, hated, dirty, hungry, and cold. You were in a Bipolar state of confusion and you were very lost.

Despite everything, you never quite lost your spark for life. You somehow knew that desperation was not your destiny. And in your weakest moments, after all you have done and experienced, you decided to ask God for help. You asked him to help you become the person you were meant to be. And he did just that.

It wasn’t easy. At times, it felt as if you were pushing a 1000 pounds with your hands while pulling a thousand pounds on your back. You hadn’t fully put your trust in him yet and were still standing your complicated grounds. And even though you couldn’t see how far you had already come or even where you were headed, something still told you to trust him and give him praise.

Along the way, you received the key that unlocked the feelings that you had gone your whole life without, and those feelings were Love and Forgiveness. And these were the keys to everything.

There are others out there who have walked similar paths. There are those who have overcome quicker and better than you. And there are those who are still struggling. Look up to those ahead of you and help those who need it. Because, these two actions will keep you humble on your path to recovery.

Right now, at this moment, things are better than you could have possibly imagined. You have been single for over four years and that has proven to more than okay. You have learned so much about yourself. And now you are beginning to  pray that God will send someone to you. You have had custody of your kids for almost four years and they are doing great. You have been a caretaker for your ailing grandmother for two years, and what a blessing this has turned out to be. You have been on your mental health medication for just over a year. You are working on your finances and you have been taking control of your physical health as well.

You will eventually get clarity back in your life and this is apart of God’s plan. Where would your kids be now if you had been successful during your suicide attempts? Those who hated you, now celebrate you. And you will see the love and admiration in the eyes of your children, even though they have so much to be mad about.

Don’t get me wrong, Bipolar will rear it’s ugly head now and again but I know you Sherry. And you are strong, willful, and determined. You will be your best advocate.

And Sherry, please remember that you are worthy of Love. And although you will always have bipolar disorder, you will always be the daughter of the most high. You are free, free to love yourself without judgment, you are free to know that this your walk with Christ, and free to always keep pushing to be a better person.

You are Free.


Sherry Everman


Diary of a Cancer Widow – Entry 4

His attitude has continued to be amazing…when I grow up I want to be just like him.

In the fourth entry of Ellen’s Diary of a Cancer Widow, follow her as she continues to admire the strength of Eddie and his amazing attitude.


You are the Michelangelo of your life.

I believe in you. Believe in yourself.

“There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you! It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love! The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which has landed on it! Why do you do such a thing?”
C. JoyBell C.

Why, indeed?

I think this is a very common trait in all humans. We bypass what is so wonderful about ourselves and go straight to the negative. It doesn’t matter that we have worked hard and just got a great promotion, because our ass is huge. We fly by the great compliment that someone just gave us because we don’t make enough money. And the gorgeous children sitting across the table from us are fine, but their bastard father has a new girlfriend.

Why must we accentuate the negatives in our lives and propel the positives to the back of the line.

Stop focusing on what we can’t change and concentrate on what we can. Think your ass is too big? Put down the snickers and go to the gym (and don’t say you don’t have enough time because you had time to stop and get that snickers). You hate your ex? Well, stop obsessing over them. Block them on social media, move on and for god’s sakes, don’t talk trash about them to your kids (they will find out soon enough that they are jerks). And stop, stop, stop making excuses for not only yourself but for those who aren’t living up to their fullest potential and wreaking havoc on your life.

You are not meant to live a hum drum life. You are meant to  live an extraordinary life. But you have to choose an extraordinary life, it doesn’t choose you. And I know it’s hard to focus on the positive sometimes, especially when you feel like life just keeps hammering you with trash and crap.

But you are the master of your destiny. No one else. Just you.

So if you aren’t ecstatic about the perfect painting staring back at you in the mirror, make a change. Let me repeat myself, make a change. If you want to live a better life. Live a better life. If you want a better job, go to school or put your time in and get the better position. If you want to do anything, just do it. You decide on your path. You are the master of your universe. You are the Michelangelo of your destiny.

I believe in you. Believe in yourself.




Dreaming and Finding My Purpose

No book can tell you how to live your best life.

These days there’s a lot of talk about how to build a meaningful life. Self-help books on the topic abound, and you’ll find no shortage of web articles claiming the secret 10 steps to finding your purpose.

But a fulfilling life doesn’t come by absorbing the advice from those around us. No book can tell you how to live your best life.

Finding your purpose takes hard work, dedication, self-awareness, the vulnerability to fail and the resilience to learn from mistakes.

If we want young girls to live their dreams and lead lives that are both rewarding and impactful, we have to help them develop the confidence to do that.

When I was younger I suffered from low self-esteem like so many girls. Even though I was talented, I felt I wasn’t good enough. My father didn’t take my creative interests seriously, instead pressuring me to devote more time to math.

What I needed at the time was encouragement. I needed someone to say, “Karen, your passions are wonderful. Let’s find a way to use them.” And luckily, I was blessed to receive that.

In middle school I got my first job doing graphic design for a family friend. Kathy paid me $8 an hour to make posters and newspaper ads for her church. What I remember most was how satisfying it felt. By exercising my natural talents, I found personal joy and also discovered that I could bring joy to others. In a small way, I was experimenting with the quote above—discovering your gift, developing it and giving it away.

I’m grateful to have been given that chance. By entrusting me with important work and inviting me to use my talents, Kathy gave me a lifelong gift of self-confidence.

I’ve had a number of Kathy’s throughout my life. They were teachers, bosses, friends and family members who saw what was special in me and encouraged me to show it. They helped me strive for excellence and pursue my natural interests.

My hope is that every young woman and girl can have a Kathy in her life too—a trusted mentor who helps her embrace, develop and apply her gifts.

Reflection Prompt:

  • Think of someone in your life who supported you as you explored your talents and dreams.
  • What impact did they have on your life? How can you pass that gift to others?

How You Can Help:

Let’s Encourage Girls to Claim Their Bold, Inspired Futures

Here are two things you can do right now to make sure that more girls get the support and opportunity they need to choose a life of empowerment.

  1. Spread an attitude of gratitude! Share this to your social media with your own story about a mentor who encouraged you to live your dream. Your voice amplifies the conversation about why supporting girls’ dreams matters!
  2. Pay it forward! Just as others’ support made a difference for you, you can change a girl’s life. By making a donation to the Dream It, Be It program, you’ll equip a girl to reach her full potential!

By: Karen Rauppius 

Her vision is to help women tell their stories and to develop pathways for volunteers to uplift the causes they care about. Karen previously worked at the Center for Courage & Renewal supporting leadership programs based in contemplative practice, and at the online  magazine Ignite the Sound. Karen manages the Your Dream Blog and Facebook and Twitter!


7 Tips for coping on your worst days

Due to events outside of my personal control, my life got fairly complicated…

7 Tips For Coping on Your Worst Days

Featured Member Post
Before we begin, let’s make it clear, I am not a psychiatrist. Nor do I have the secret to magically transcend anxiety or stress. If experience is education, however, I do feel pretty comfortable speaking on the subject. Although my ability to speak freely and calmly about how I handle these things is, at best, a recent development.

During this past summer, due to events outside of my personal control, my life got fairly complicated. I drew pretty near to my personal breaking point. I have learned a few coping techniques that I use in order to help myself deal with the challenges I am facing.

Again, I understand that I am not an expert, but quite often, I have personally benefited from something one of my blogging friends has penned. So here we go.

7 things to bring comfort on a bad day

Image: Karen via Flickr via Creative Commons license

Try to Be Realistic of Your Time When Scheduling

I have a limited amount of time, as does each member of my family. Realistically planning for what we all can do in one single day is vital to reducing some of the anxiety that can be felt by over-scheduling yourself and those around you.

I know that sometimes, for example, we can’t control that the Spelling Bee is going to happen at the same time as the doctor’s appointment that we scheduled months in advance. And since we can’t be in 2 separate places at the same time, we need to choose to spend our time in the way that is most important.

This might involve making arrangements and communicating what you will realistically be able to do, and maybe even disappointing your child by not attending their Spelling Bee.

It really is that easy, and I promise that if you do miss the 2nd grade class Spelling Bee, it won’t become part of an emotional backstory that eventually sends your child on the road to becoming a supervillian.

Take Deep Breaths

I stop midstream in the middle of my most intense days and take a moment to deep breathe. I have done this when tempers were high, in ER rooms and pretty much every stressful place you can think of.

It works and doing so helps to give you a moment to collect yourself, re-focus and bring yourself back to the issue at hand.

Cultivate a Sense of Humor

I have shared this story before, but many years ago on a night that now lives in familial infamy, all 3 of my young children threw up at exactly the same moment. The carnage was vast and far reaching. I remember standing there shocked and covered in vomit, and as I looked at my husband, the look of shock and horror we saw mirrored on one another’s face made us laugh out loud!

What happened that night wasn’t funny, but dealing with it in a humorous way helped us take care of the situation. But, yeah, we never went into that McDonald’s again. Positivity and humor only goes so far.

Teach Children and Partners to Lend a Hand

In my home there are 6 people, and successfully managing that many people is a lot of work. So around here I make sure every family member shares the load. We help each other by doing chores, helping siblings with homework, cheering one another on at games, activities and so forth.

Although it is still is a lot of work, our family works together as a team with the understanding that this work helps to directly benefit the life of each family member.

This summer as I spent many hours at the hospital caring for my mom who had just suffered from a stroke. I was impressed and heartened to see my children carrying much of the load at home. They did laundry without complaint, cared for younger siblings and helped to keep our family running.

I have never been more proud as a mother. Also, doughnuts might have been involved.


I remember one intense day this last summer where I felt like I was drowning. I had too much on my plate, and I felt like my ability to cope was maxed out. I excused myself for a moment from the medical meeting that had just ended and walked out to my car and sat in it for a moment and prayed.

I asked God to give me the strength to deal with this latest occurrence, and to do it in a way that was true to who I was and would benefit the life of the family member for whom the meeting had been held. This simple prayer worked for me, and it gave me the strength to continue with the rest of that very long day.

I have even been known to quietly pull my children to the side during stressful situations to offer a prayer. Some might think this is weird, but truthfully I don’t care. My belief in God gives me strength, and that is all the explanation I feel should be needed.

Just Don’t Do It

Or in other words just say NO. If doing something is going to exceed your ability to cope, then say no. If the task is unavoidable, reach out for help and explain to others why you need their help. I have never had someone do this with me and felt anything other than compassion for the struggle they were facing.

Sometimes we try to bottle it all up to attempt to exemplify the whole “stiff upper lip” behavior. Doing this is a bad idea. Every one of us will have situations where we desperately need help and trying to hide it hurts us. It really does.

A few months ago during a chance meeting at a local park, I had a heart to heart with a woman who was struggling with postpartum depression. She hadn’t even been diagnosed. She actually hadn’t even yet admitted to anyone how bad she felt, but that day she hit her own personal rock bottom.

I was grateful to be there. Together we cried and I shared with her that what she was feeling happens to so many of us. She was not alone, and taking the first and most scary step of talking about it was huge.

And on That Note, Let’s Talk About Kindness

After that experience with the mother at the park, I was reminded of the fact that you never know the battle another person is waging. So be kind, because someday it might be you on the receiving end of a kindness that feels like a lifeline.

Queen Mom Jen