This post has been a year in the making.
I don’t even know where to start at this point.
Let me try…
The last year has been the hardest of my life.
I’ve gone thru a divorce. Been on my own for the first time in 20 years. Rejoiced in the birth of my first grandchild. Watched my daughter battle a drug addiction . Battled a mental health crisis of my own. I fell in love with a married man. Continually fight my inner demons. Received temporary custody of my grandson. Witness my youngest daughter battle a mysterious and debilatating health crisis. A monster got out of prison. Filed bankruptcy. And lost all inspiration to create any kind of art at all.
The feelings of overwhelmingness have become so consuming that it borderlines debilitating.
But maybe the worse thing I experience on a daily basis is being told how strong I am.
I hate it. I hate it with a passion. Because it makes me feel like a fraud. I feel like screaming, No, I’m not, I’m not strong at all. I cry nearly everyday. I doubt that I can make it thru everything I have to deal with. The fulltime job, 2 bands, raising my 9 month old grandson on my own, the guilt of not seeing my 15 year old everyday, the intense feeling of failure that I have about my oldest daughter and her issues, the loneliness and the list goes on and on….
Ahh…the loneliness…that’s a doozy.
Sometimes, all you want is someone to hold your hand, caress your face, put their hand on your knee and to tell you that everything is going to be okay.
Geez… I know I’m jumping all over the place and I’m sorry. My plans (although my plans have not worked out at all lately) is to write about everything I’ve gone and am going thru. I feel like it’s time. Although some of the closest people to me know about a bit of what I’m going thru, I just feel like its time to tell all of you. To really open up and lay it out there, with the hope that my experiences and mistakes will help someone else deal with what they are going thru.
I already feel a little better after writing what I’ve written today.