You are worth saving

He controlled where I went…He controlled who I talked to…

By: Clarissa Hill

At the age of 20 I gave birth to my first son. His father had run off and I was doing it on my own. In December of 2009, 5 months after he was born, I met my now ex husband. I had gone to school with him so I felt like I knew him. I felt on top of the world, loved, appreciated, all the things I was looking for. He accepted me and my son into his life. I felt I had found the father figure my son would need. February 2010, the horror began.

It all started as belittling, downgrading, name calling.. verbal and emotional abuse. I was always a b***h, a s**t, a horrible mother, and the list went on. Several times I tried to leave,  he wouldn’t allow it. He started cutting out communication with my family as much as he could. He controlled where I went and what I did. Somewhere around the end of May or beginning of June I became pregnant with my second son. Things only got worse.
It escalated to physical. Pushing, shoving, smacking, punching. I began to wonder if my child would make it into this world alive. February 2011, he made in into this world alive. July of 2011 my first born father resurfaced and decides to be a part of his life, that set my ex husband into a rage. Around that time I found out about his drug usage. It got worse he started taking away from our children to feed his habit. 2012 was a steady downhill climb. Abuse got worse, habit got worse, I only wondered how much longer it would be before he killed me.
2013 the rape began. 2014 the rape conceived another baby boy. A baby boy he did not want brought into this world, the rage increased which made the abuse worse. (By some miracle son 3 made it into this world alive and healthy)
December 2014, the abuse came to light to others.  He was so strung out HE called the cops saying I was abusing him. Slurring his words and the accusations of domestic violence they were there in a matter of minutes. At 7 months pregnant I was covered in red marks and bite marks. They saw the marks and immediately arrested him. They asked for pictures and as afraid of him as I was I denied them. He spent only 10 days in jail to be released to continue his rampage against me.
April of 2015 my life fell apart… I had dropped my oldest off at a visit with his father for the weekend, only to receive a phone call several hours later. He informed me he would not be returning my son to me. Apparently he had been to court behind my back and had our child ripped from my home due to the domestic violence. I was lost, I didn’t know what to do. I was a victim falling through the cracks, being punished and forgotten.  My mother immediately found me a lawyer and we preceded to court. I finally received supervised visits, then eventually I was given weekend visitation.
May of 2015 I received the worst beating of my life. He attacked me with my youngest son (at the times 3 months old) in my arms. At some point I blacked out, by some miracle I was still holding my son. After I came to, I managed to lure him outside. Once he was outside away from the door, I ran like hell rushing one son back in the door, holding tight to the other.  I slammed the door as hard as I could, and just as I was latching it he started running full force at the door trying to get back in. By the grace of God the door latched on the outside of the door frame. I have no doubt he was out to kill me that day.
The following day I went for help with my injuries. From there I went to the police station and filed for an epo/dvo. February of 2016 I was granted my divorce with sole custody of the two children I share with my abuser. October of 2016 I was told my oldest son would not be coming home full time, but I would keep my visitations.
Here it is 2017, he has violated his DVO twice now. But all they do is smack him on the wrist and give him more probation. BUT it’s been almost 2 years since the last attack and I’m still free, I’m alive, my kids are alive, and that’s all I can ask for.
Yes, I’m still fixing my life, yes it’s a struggle, but IT’S WORTH IT. You can do it too.  Reach out, ask for help, run while you can. Don’t wait until it’s to late, don’t wait until your life has been crumbled and will never be the same. YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU DESERVE BETTER! YOU ARE SPECIAL! Don’t ever let anyone take that from you. Don’t be a statistic.
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