Learning self-preservation

I remember a time, not so long ago, when I couldn’t keep my eyes shut. I was wide awake at 3am. I felt like I had slept for 10 hours. But it was 3am in the freaking morning. I hadn’t gone to bed at a ridiculous hour and therefore had just slept 9 hours, I had gone to bed around 11 pm the night before. So the only thing to do was to get up and start my day. This started happening alot. And although I was getting alot done because of the extra hours that I was awake, it was weird. I knew it wasn’t my normal. Because normally, I am a 8 to 10 hour a night girl. I have always been that way. And it started happening more and more. It even happened last night.

So, as I sit in my living room at 3:30 this morning, I started googling sleep deprivation. And surprise surpise, I found what I was looking for. But first, let me go back for a moment.

When I was 22, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I remember people asking me, what are you so sad about to be diagnosed with depression. And at that time in my life, I had plenty to be sad about, I wasn’t actually sad though. That was never one of my symptoms. My symptoms included severe body aches (aches so bad painful that I couldn’t get out of bed or walk), severe drowsiness, severe headaches, no concentration at all, anxiety attacks as well as a plethera of other symptoms. I have even spent countless hours over the years in emergency rooms because the physical pain was so real that I knew that something had to be physically wrong with me, but there never was. I’ve tried numerous different medicines but nothing really helped. It generally turned me into something that I wasn’t. So I have learned to manage. I have learned what and who I need to stay away from in order for my depression not to go into full blown physical craziness. I have to really watch my stress levels. Because severe stress does horrific things to my mind and┬ábody. I started a pretty vigorous exercise regimen which includes heavy weights and cardio. And for the most part, it helps. And I have felt pretty good as of late. Until, the waking up at ungodly hours of the morning started happening a couple of weeks ago.

Now back to google. For the first time, I saw that lack of sleep is also a symptom of depression. I haven’t in 20 years ever had that symptom. It has always been too much sleep. So now, I’m a bit worried. Why am I now experiencing different symptoms all of a sudden. Are my brain chemicals shifting and becoming something else, because we all know that all mental illness is caused because of an imbalance in our brain chemicals. Or is this just the beginning of a whole new set of symptoms that I will now need to learn to manage all over again? Or is my old nemesis stress, messing with me again?

I even have to be extremely cautious of who I let into my inner world because of the negative impact it has on me. I know it sounds crazy, but I have learned from alot of heartache and drama who I can and cannot have around in order to make my life manageable. Is it heartbreaking and sad to cut to people out of your life? Is it being selfish? Yes! But I have to be this way, purely for self preservation.

It’s frustrating for me, because I have so many plans and dreams and I worry that because stress is such a bitch that I won’t be able to accomplish what I want to. Because let’s face it, with success comes stress. Will I always be the big dreamer or will I be the successful artist and entrepreneur┬áthat I want to be? I don’t know. What I do know is that I will give it my best, do things on my terms and will hopefully find people who will accept me for me and come into my life to make it better and together we can conquer the world.


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