The hardest year of my life

This post has been a year in the making.

I don’t even know where to start at this point.

Let me try…

The last year has been the hardest of my life.

I’ve gone thru a divorce. Been on my own for the first time in 20 years. Rejoiced in the birth of my first grandchild. Watched my daughter battle a drug addiction . Battled a mental health crisis of my own. I fell in love with a married man. Continually fight my inner demons. Received temporary custody of my grandson. Witness my youngest daughter battle a mysterious and debilatating health crisis. A monster got out of prison. Filed bankruptcy. And lost all inspiration to create any kind of art at all.

The feelings of overwhelmingness have become so consuming that it borderlines debilitating.

But maybe the worse thing I experience on a daily basis is being told how strong I am.

I hate it. I hate it with a passion. Because it makes me feel like a fraud. I feel like screaming, No, I’m not, I’m not strong at all. I cry nearly everyday. I doubt that I can make it thru everything I have to deal with. The fulltime job, 2 bands, raising my 9 month old grandson on my own, the guilt of not seeing my 15 year old everyday, the intense feeling of failure that I have about my oldest daughter and her issues, the loneliness and the list goes on and on….

Ahh…the loneliness…that’s a doozy.

Sometimes, all you want is someone to hold your hand, caress your face, put their hand on your knee and to tell you that everything is going to be okay.

Geez… I know I’m jumping all over the place and I’m sorry. My plans (although my plans have not worked out at all lately) is to write about everything I’ve gone and am going thru. I feel like it’s time. Although some of the closest people to me know about a bit of what I’m going thru, I just feel like its time to tell all of you. To really open up and lay it out there, with the hope that my experiences and mistakes will help someone else deal with what they are going thru.

I already feel a little better after writing what I’ve written today.




Observations of a waitress


Do you ever people watch? Do you notice what people are wearing, wonder who they are talking to on their cellphones or admire a beautiful piece of jewelry? I use to wonder about those things. But as I get older, I no longer marvel at the physical. I ask myself why so many people that I see are miserably unhappy.

As I am a starving artist, I waitress to pay my bills, and being in the service industry gives you a very intimate look into the lives of people. Because nothing is more intimate than a dinner at a restaurant alone with your significant other. Sitting sequestered in a tiny booth or stand alone table really forces you to show your true feelings towards a person. You are either enamored with the person sitting across the table from you or you are bored out of your mind and can’t wait to get your main course so you can finish up and go home to your separate living spaces. And what I observe is incredibly said…

The majority of people that I see are incredibly miserable. They are either are on their cellphones ignoring the others at their table or staring off into to space dreaming of the other places they would rather be. And this has apparently become the norm and it’s just not young people, its people of all ages.

Why do we feel the need to stay in relationships that don’t bring us the utmost joy? Why aren’t we spending our incredibly value time with people who emotionally and physically stimulate us? I don’t know, but it’s becoming an all too common occurrence.

According to numerous psychological studies the reasoning behind staying in a bad relationship is pretty simple:

  1. Low self-esteem – People feel as if they don’t deserve better
  2. The fear of loneliness – That’s one is pretty self explanatory
  3. Invested time – I’ve been here this long, might as well stay a little longer
  4. Money – This one is powerful because most people fear the unknown of financial insecurity
  5. Stuff – My house, my tv, my car and on and on
  6. Kids – Because it’s better to have 2 miserable parents who are together than 2 happy parents apart
  7. Fear of the unknown – Will I find someone else, is there something better, can I make it on my own
  8. Manipulation – Your partner is telling you that you won’t find anyone better
  9. Laziness – You’ve become so comfortable in your unhappiness, why make the effort
  10. Fear of conflict- Let’s face it, no one likes conflict


Don’t get me wrong, I think all of these reasons are valid. But I also think that all of these reason’s are bullshit. They are excuses to be unhappy. Excuses to not live your life to the fullest. Excuses to be a martyr. Excuses to look at your phone when you should be looking adoringly into the eyes of the person sitting across from you.

 So do yourself a favor, find someone that makes you want to put your cellphone down.



Gut Punch

Anytime someone is going thru a divorce, whether they were the one who initiated the breakup or not, there is definitely a shock period you go thru. A period where you are adjusting to a new life. Fixing dinner for one less person. Sleeping alone. Waking up alone. Having to check to see if your ex already has plans with the kids for the weekend, finding out that your ex is dating and so on. The gut punch of a new life can be overwhelming.

And for me, my first gut punch came exactly 1 week after I had moved out of our marital home.

It was a Saturday morning, I was alone and straightening up the house. I heard my phone ding signaling that a message had been sent, so I opened the message to see it was from a friend. The message started out as most of the messages had that I had received over the last week. I’m really proud of you, I’m glad you’re moving on, if you need anything…. pretty standard friend message and then the gut punch..

I wanted you to hear this from me before you heard it from anyone else… I’ve been “talking” to your ex-husband…wait…what.. did this girl, who I had confided in, just tell me that she was “talking” to my ex-husband? I thought surely I’ve read the message wrong… so, I reread the entire message again… I had read it right the first time. My friend was “talking” to my husband.

I wasn’t sure how to process this information… was I jealous, was I mad, was I shocked? I don’t know..

So I calmly called my ex and asked him if this was true.. he said yes. He said that she had sent him a sea message via Facebook right after I moved out.

I proceeded to walk out onto my back porch, sit in a chair, close my eyes and exhale a long deep breathe. I didn’t think for a couple of seconds. I was just being.. clearing my mind.. finding my center. Then I opened my eyes and said to myself… I’m glad he’s moving on. I want him to be happy. If he’s happy, it’s good for my girls.

The next thought wasn’t so nice.. I felt betrayed.. I felt like a fool! I had trusted someone with very personal thoughts and she had betrayed the girl code. She had gone after my ex. I instantly put my guard up. I started thinking about everything I had told her and all of my other so called friends. The private thoughts, the personal confessions, the emotional reflections that I had shared to a select group of women, I thought were my friends..

I was devastated…

I instantly closed off from everyone. I had truly never been deceived by a friend in this manner and it changed me in an instant. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a very open and honest person. I am upfront with my feelings and rarely hold back my thoughts. And in turn, people are the same with me. They tell me their secrets and I keep them. This trust is sacred. You never tell a secret and you certainly don’t go after your friends ex after you have girl conversations about them and especially before the divorce is even legal. I will certainly be more cautious as to who I choose to let into my world and that is a shame.

But now, a couple of weeks has passed and I no longer have ill will towards her. I certainly won’t be having any private conversations with her ever again but I actually feel bad for her. How low does a person’s self-esteem have to be to do what she did to a friend. I don’t know… Maybe it’s fate…Maybe it won’t last…Maybe they’re soul mates… Maybe next time, I will be choosier as to who I tell my secrets to. And maybe next time, she’ll get a taste of her own medicine…. A girl can dream!!

A life lesson from a female cricket

Solitary. Solo. Single. Unaccompanied.

To some people they are scary words. To some people they mean freedom and to most they all describe the first few weeks of being a newly single person after a divorce.

When you spend years living in the same house with someone, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship is, there is still the comfort of knowing that there is someone in the bed next to you or even in the room next to you. You can hear them talking, breathing, living. So, when you first start to experience nights alone without your kids or spouse, the silence can be deafening. Suddenly, you don’t have to worry about being quite so your spouse won’t hear you talking or texting or even breathing. And it can be an extremely humbling and frightening experience. And for me, that was when I truly grasped the fact that my almost 2 decade long relationship was truly over and it was traumatic to say the least.

I remember being so excited to move into my own place, I no longer had to explain why I was going somewhere, why I was talking to someone or even worry about being quite after a night out with the girls. And then the first night by myself happened. As I sat out on my quaint little back porch and looked over my teeny backyard and into my neighbor’s window, I started to cry. I started to feel like maybe I had made a mistake, maybe life in an unfulfilled marriage wasn’t so bad and then I heard a cricket. I heard his song of mating. See male crickets chirp for mating reasons, they sing their beautiful song in the hopes of attracting a female to mate with, while female are quiet. The females sit back in solitude and wait patiently for the perfect song of love to draw them into a web of glorious and fulfilling mating. They don’t settle for a song that doesn’t entice them. They don’t feel the need to fill their nights with random male crickets just because they fear being alone. And this got me thinking, why do we feel the need to have constant noise in our lives? Why can’t we just sit back and enjoy the sound of our own breathing while we wait for the next male to sing a song that truly attracts us so much that we feel the undeniable need to mate with them? Is this the human condition? As humans, do we feel the innate need for constant companionship out of natural human feelings or have we become so entranced with not being alone that we will deny ourselves true fulfilling happiness and jump on the first cricket to come along because we can’t enjoy and cherish our alone time? I don’t know… But I’m willing to find out.

Don’t get me wrong… I enjoy companionship as much as the next person, but I’m also learning the enjoy my own thoughts and silence and breathing. Not that there aren’t nights when I crave physical and emotional interaction with someone other than myself. But until I hear that beautiful song coming from a male that truly entices me, I’ll sit on my little back porch and enjoy the sounds of nature.



Adventures of the newly independent

When you are first going through a divorce, you are filled with an incredible amount of questions. Am I going to be able to make it own my own financially, how are the kids going to handle the situation, how long will it take to get on my feet and on and on and on. The uncertainty of the situation can be extremely overwhelming and leave you a bit shell shocked. But eventually, after many weeks of worrying and even more nights of crying, you begin to see a glimmer at the end of the tunnel. You slowly start to realize that you can make it on your own, your kids will be fine and that single life as a 40 something women is tough and at times frightening but with a little patience and grit, you can conquer this newly undiscovered world.

Unfortunately, many of us feel the need to mask our pain and loneliness, because we feel as if we are alone in this journey. We feel as if no one understands what we are going thru. And this is the farthest thing from the truth. There are thousands of people, men and women, who are broken, insecure and frightened, who desperately just want to find there center and new normal. And with every new tortured soul I meet, I learn something about myself and my new world. And this is why I feel the need to chronicle my journey and share it with the world, so others can see that the struggle is universal. It doesn’t matter your gender, race, financial class or background, we all feel the exact same things.

So, with that being said..

I will be writing about the girl’s nights out, the unsolicited Facebook messages from complete strangers, the loneliness of not being with your kids, the frustration of financial freedom and the struggle to redefine yourself as a single person in a world of judgmental people. Please join me on this journey of self-discovery and hopefully we can navigate this crazy life together.


How to change the world one dress at a time.

How can you help those that are struggling?

A new non-profit store has opened in Versailles, KY, that is making a huge difference in the lives of not only those less fortunate in Versailles but all over Kentucky. Please take a moment and watch how one church and numerous women are making a big difference in this world.